Friday, September 20, 2013

Celebrating a Special Day and Surviving

I woke up Wednesday morning with a song.....loud and strong in my head and heart...."Thank You Lord"....not the whole song just the chorus

With a grateful heart
with a song of praise
with an outstretched arm
I'll praise your name
Thank you Lord
I just want to thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord
I just want to thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord

I couldn't shake the song, hummed it, whistled it, sang it out loud, sang it to myself, all day.

After the grandbaby boy's breakfast, he gets to watch Sesame Street while he plays.  The episode for that day, Wednesday, Amber's birthday, was the Flower Show episode.  Amber got to go to The New England Flower Show twice.  Once at 1 1/2 and the second time this past March!  It was a grand outing and she was so happy to get out of the house as we had been house bound much of the winter.

Caillou came on later.  Not a show we watch very often.  Caillou's class was supposed to have a field trip to the fire station but couldn't go.  Instead, they went to a butterfly conservatory.  Amber LOVED butterflies and had been to a few butterfly conservatories/farms/places. 

 We ended our day with this scene from the garden.  I had the wrong camera lens for this shot, but ok to track the balloons for a bit....

We couldn't sing but we let four purple balloons go from the garden and then said the family birthday prayer and watched star candles go out on their own, one by one, on our cupcakes.  The babyMomma's cupcake, with the purple star candle, was the last to go out.

Thank you Lord, for 3 years 8 months and 1 day with our precious baby girl.  She had an amazing smile, a larger than life personality, and could communicate so well without saying a word.  Thank you Lord for the sweet little blessings throughout that first birthday that we didn't think we could possibly get through.  Thank you for the two cards that arrived ON her birthday, one for her parents and one for her grandparents, that let us know someone was thinking and praying for us to have the strength and comfort to get through the day.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Someone Remembered

A gloomy fog crept in near the end of August and was threatening to turn into The Great Boston Molasses Flood of 1919......and then an envelope arrived in the mail.....last week.......and sat in the pile of mail on the kitchen table.

  This morning while trying to shorten the pile by pulling out junk mail to throw away, I came across the envelope still unopened.  Handing it gently to the babyMomma, I encouraged her to open it.

Inside, a card "In Memory".....10 Bibles placed through Gideons International in memory of the grandbaby girl.  The grandbaby girl's birthday is Wednesday and we have been plodding along in fear and dread, suffocating with pain and emotion.

And then this simple card with it's incredibly sweet message that let us know someone else remembered.  It was a glimpse of sun breaking through the fog, molasses held at bay, and we made it through today feeling a bit lighter.  Someone else remembered a birthday that we can't celebrate....someone who is not family.....someone who should have just sent a card and probably just the card would have made us feel better, yet they gave what they don't really have to an organization to do something in memory of our sweet babygirl!  An amazing act of love and thoughtfulness and what a difference that has made!!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Throw Back Thursday?

Showers and thunderstorms on and off today reflect the mood as anniversary dates approach.

Today is one.  Four years ago we were giddy with anticipation and celebrating the BabyMomma with a shower.  We knew baby would be a girl and we knew her name would be Amber.

My mom included a few baby things from long ago, a hand embroidered bib and plate and pitcher that were my dad's from the early 20's.  Shoes and stockings that belonged to my mom's 3 year old sister.  A doll carriage that was my mom's as well as a flannel kimono her grandmother made for my mom's baby.

It was a "wash day" theme, with such sweet little things hanging on the lines.  Grandbaby girl sure did surprise us by arriving a week after the shower instead of three or four weeks later when she was expected.  What unbelievable life she packed into those all too short three years and 8 months.  What indescribable joy she brought us.  What lessons she taught us ~ primarily about expectations and limitations.    

The babyMomma has always been a planner, and a party planner extraordinaire.  I can just feel her pain and angst as there is nothing to plan but it feels like there should be.  We don't really know how to do this first birthday without the precious birthday girl.  The birthday sign is still up ~ I put it up for your birthday month and with Charlie's arrival the sign pretty much stays up from August through January.  Now September is here and today not knowing exactly what to do, I took down babyMomma's name, and put Amber's up.  I don't know if that's right or wrong.....but it just felt so wrong and empty without it.  I need to find the little pink and purple tissue paper blossom that has adorned the sign the past three years.  Then it will feel complete.....almost.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Labor Day for Lack of a More Creative Title

I don't know exactly how it happened, but I pulled out a quilt project that has been sitting for months and did more than just look at it.
 This was purchased last fall, I think.  The babyMomma chose it to be a large floor quilt for the two grandbabies, combining girl and boy prints and to cover the floor mats we put down on the rug to give them extra cushioning.  Being the Goddess of Procrastination, the project was never begun while Amber could benefit.  These past few months have been and continue to be so hard.  I'm reading through a few books that deal with grief and something struck me early last week.  Struck me?  It hit me HARD.  I need to go back through my reading to write down the source, but the GIST that smacked me out of the paralysis of grief was something about CHOOSING MISERY.   Who in their right mind chooses to be miserable?  Yes, I am still grieving and yes, there are almost constant moments that I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me, or I am suffocating.   I just want to yell as loud as I possibly can while at the same time just curling up and calling for a complete retreat from everything.  BUT....that is a choice I have, to give in to the paralysis or not.  Feeling terribly convicted, I pulled out the stack of fabrics and consulted with the babyMomma.  Yes, she wanted to keep both fabric themes, the purple and teal and owls that were for Amber, and the puppies for Charlie.
Charlie and his mom helped with the layout.  They had fun playing around with many possibilities, 
Grammy discovered just how fast and clever Charlie is in his sister's gait trainer.  I chose this corner of the living room because it was the furthest away from Charlie who was in the kitchen.  Well, I just began to lay the fabric on the mat for cutting, and he was right there, maneuvered through the kitchen and dining room, around corners and furniture  and right onto my cutting mat.  

This is the basic quilt top and borders are being worked on.  I was grateful for a rainy Labor Day weekend and a weekend of labor.
 The babyMomma went to work with her hubby for a few hours on Sunday and Monday.  Instead of going to a parade, the new home owners and my hubby did two projects on the new house (across the street!) so Charlie and I were left to work on the quilt.

Clinging to Psalm 30:5b   Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.