One Year - May 19th

I don't know how I feel today....or how I should feel.  I wanted to mark the exact time that we had spent in the garden saying good-bye but I don't know exactly what time that was.

Today began clear and sunny and breezy.  A beautiful spring day, blue and green and yellow, and cool.

People have been praying for us, I know, and God seemingly gave us lots of distractions today to help.

I broke a tooth yesterday and the dentist fit me in this morning.

The babyMomma has been teaching ballet this year, with the recital on Friday.  Dress rehearsal was today, of all days, so that pretty much kept her moving and focused.

A new puppy has joined the family...or should I say I have a new grand-puppy.  A Brittany spaniel, bred from the babyDaddy's dog.  Sprocket.  A good distraction.  The babyDaddy spent an hour this morning having coffee, remembering his children, and chuckling watching these two puppies play.  I think Petey is going to enjoy having Sprocket for a partner in crime.

But, the hole is still here and the aching sense of loss.  I can't hear her soft, low giggle.  Her sweet "Ga" that she called me.  Her little kisses.  Her little special way of blowing kisses.  Her love of percussion and "dance" and music.  Her way of tasting a drink with her fingers since she couldn't drink without thickeners.  Her ways of initiating play that were so very special and surprising.  Her faces and wicked sense of humor.  Her unique way of throwing her weight around to lead me like a pony where she wanted to go.  Her enveloping smile.

I wish we could have seen her with Petey.  I'm sure she would adore Sprocket.  I am grateful she has Charlie with her now and that they are both worshipping as they could not do here.  I cannot wait to see them again.

I ache for my loss, and her parents' loss, and my parents' loss, and the loss felt by her Pennsylvania family whose time with her was even more limited due to distance...

A picture I recently found on my mom's camera.  On Amber's 3rd birthday, the babyMomma, nurse and I took Amber to my parents as they were unable to come to her party.  Amber and her great-gramma were both "shut-ins" for a great deal of those 3 years.  On the occasions when they were both out somewhere, Amber would give great-gramma a look of surprise and recognition that the babyMomma interpreted as "They let you out too???"