I cannot begin to comprehend how we are in this place. Our sweet and precious Charlie, who has brought nothing but incredible JOY through these ten months of agonizing pain, who kept us from staying in deep despair, has been taken home to join his sister. I KNOW in my head that my God is a god of LOVE and that He is GOOD....even if it doesn't feel good, BUT this REALLY DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. A few people this week said, "it's so hard, even when it's expected." THIS WAS NOT EXPECTED!! Amber was fragile from the very beginning. Charlie has been strength! Loud and exuberant where she was gentle and quiet. A snuggly softie where she was fiercely independent. He has been walking with a walker! Not a gait trainer like hers. He has been imitating words and gabbing up a storm. He loved telephones and remotes!! For a very short while, we could appease him with a battery-less remote. That did not last long, He knew there should be a result when he pushed buttons. His dad bought a living room ceiling fan/light that has a remote!! That worked for Charlie but it was nothing like the tv.....especially because his parents have cable in their new home complete with DVR capabilities. One day I thought we would never get through Super Why as he kept hitting rewind!!! I was so encouraged reading of a little one with I-Cell who spent 47 days in ICU and recovered. 6 days was NOT WHAT I EXPECTED! There are other I-Cell children who are beyond their 6th birthdays. Charlie seemed so capable of achieving that goal! No prior hospitalizations, no meds, no oxygen. Where did this come from? I just don't get it at all ..... but somehow I know my God loves the babyMomma and Daddy more than they feel right now and I just pray that they will not let bitterness and anger take over but that somehow they will begin to feel that He does love them even though we can't begin to see it now.
Lyrics that have played in my head a bit these two days: I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned, I only know at His right hand stands One who is my Savior.